Stephaine V.

My friend stephaine. WHAT AN AMAIZING PERSON i love the girl right to death. every night i pray for the best for her because i think she deserves only the best. the truth is that i rarely approve of her boyfriends... not because i dont like them.. no thats not it at all... but because i think she deserves better. in my eyes she always deserves better. i see our lives going in opposite directions right now but i hope she understands that is not going to effect our friendship. it may be more distant but its just as strong. if someone hurts her they hurt me! i hate seeing sadness on her face because i have seen the light shine through her eyes and the way that it effects the world around her. i have seen the pure hapiness eminating from her presannce. i have seen her true hapinees and i can see through the fake smiles and laughter. i am sorry i got married and left her behing.. but in reality i didnt leave her behind i just added another person to our posey.. so many fun times i still think about and laugh out loud. this friendship has been through much worse and its going to STOMP this change! stephain helped me find my voice and to just stand up and not be pushed around. she is my first true friend and we will be best buds FOREVER~ :) she has some amazing strength and such a sweet spirit that a strangers story can bring her to tears and give her the courage to make a change.she has made a change and contiues to everyday. i just pray that she contiues making change. and that the change makes her happy. i hope the best for her and i demand the best for her ( even if it usualy is in secret) beautiful inside and out STEPHANIE VELASQUEZ MY BEST FRIEND!
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Deppresion

This post is not a happy post. it is a truth it is defining the truth about something that is over looked and mis understood. so read with a softne heart and an open mind. dont judge those you dont understand


Her alarm clack buzzs and she tolls over to stop the noise. Her pillow case still damp from the tears that cried her to sleep. The reason for the tears she cant remember, but she cant forget the pain that still lingers. She pulls her self out of bed and heads to the shower. Its then that the disturbing thoughts begin. the thoughts of worthlessness and despair. She then sees the razor sitting there and she quickly turns away. She know this is no solution and she hates that these thoughts she cant control. As she gets out and looks in the fogged mirrorr, she see disappoinment, shame, sadness and regret looking back at her threw her own eyes. It is then that the first tears of the day fall from her face.
deppression is knowing these thoughts arnt normal. her pride keeps her from reaching out. she still has logical reasoning but she can not control her emotions. life is good and she has so many blessings all around her. she sees them every day but why cant she manage a smile. why is she not happy. deppresion is letting these questions linger and bringing her down farther and farther.
deppression is walking around in a cloud. every look and every stare becomes personal. she holds to the anxiety that everybody is talking about her. deppression is the fact that she cant keep any one happy. she isnt good enough for this world so why does she still belong. deppression is driving to her job every day and using all her strength not to drive off the road. Deppression is putting on her mask and pretending nothing is wrong. going through her day like things are perfect. when she is alone thats when she removes her mask. she lets it all out. deppression is turning the tears off and putting on a smile as fast as needed to.deppresion laying in her bed starting at the celing the thoughts threw out the day all come flowing back at once. and again the tears stream down her face. she cant contain the crying, she cant breath she cant think. all of this becomes to overwhelming and she knows that tomorow will be no better but only worse. the next morning the alarm clock rings. today, today she doesnt want to get out of bed. she is tired of fighting, tired of struggling with these thoughts and tired of hidding it all away. yet she still gets out of bed and begins her day. some un-seen force pushes her every day to just keep going. deppression is knowing she is not the first one to feel this way knowing that there are others out there worse off than her. she knows she is lucky and blessed, but she can not get her emotions undercontrol. depression is knowing. she knows and sees everything good but in her eyes nothing is good it all holds a dark side.
one night it all became to much. to much pain to many masks and to many tears she goes to her bathroom and sits on the floor.deppression is pioiuring out her sould in prayer pleading for peace, yet still plotting out her plan, she can not breath she is crying to hard. she cant handle this any more she just cant. deppression is putting everything into place and then decideng to follow through. and just when her mind is made up an un seen force consumes her and she feels for the first time a sense of hope. such a forgien feeling and just enough for her to pull her self off the floor. wipe the tears from her face and decide to go on just one more day.
deppression is deciding to take it day by day and tear by tear. deppresion is finding a friend. that one friend who could see right through you all along and at the perfect moment decides to step in. deppression is when the girl for the first time tells her story to someone. the first time she lets someone inside her soul. deppression is that friend doing all she can to find help for the girl. deppresion is step by step pulling her self up and slowely finding her happiness yet again. deppression is not when the tears begin to stop and the world becomes lighter. deppression is when no one else understands. they tell her its all in her head there is nothing truly wrong. in a strange way they are right. nothing was wrong but that couldnt stop the emotions and the constint pain.
deppression is sharing your story so others know they arnt alone. deppression is sacrificing that sacred part of your life so that others who feel the same and our lost in there emotions can find he help before its to late. deppression is finding love in places that where always right in front of you.

Josies photo shoot

a new post! who is excited?!

YAY so school is going pretty good :) i have an A in my math class i know i coulnt believe it either... english i am trying but i am not doing so swell. lol so ya me and edwin are watching taladaga knights :) i really love that show its really funny! and i am trying really hard to decide what i am going to do for summer semester cause i wanna get school over with! so i dunno i wanna take two classes for summer but then how am i gonna work! ya know this is my delima! i hope that i can get my finacial aid next semester.edwin is very supportive of my schooling and it is awesome! YOU ARE NOT PARALIZED! dont you stick that knife in your leg! hahahah such i a good movie! so wierd things happen to me! and i would say them but then i get made fun of hahaha o goodness! happy wednseday everyone!

clowns

So i was thinking about clowns today. and why most people are scared of them. And i came to this random conclusion. Its the painted faces or masks that they hide behind. As human beings we dont like the "unknown" we dont like the fact that someone might be hiding something from us. but what we dont understand is that everybody has paint on there face or they are hiding behind a mask. but because we cant see the paint we dont suspect that any one has any deep dark secrets. but we dont really know any body. we are all hiding behind something! why would we want to let anybody into our lives. why would we want people to pretend like they "understand" or that they "care" is it easier to just take care of our selfs? what if they do really care! what if they really do understand! i dont think that it is easier to just take care of our selfs. its hard enough to pretend like we are "ok" and to hide behind out own painted faces! maybe we should all decided to start to let people in. WE could all decided to take care of each other! WHAT A GOOD IDEA ha ha ha o man that was my random thought for the day! good luch with that everyone hope you can follow my thoughts!

my post for my mom

A randomw picture "}
Ok. so my mother was all like "kylee you never update your blog" so guess what i am doing right now. . . updating my blog. so i am LOVING school! its so much fun and the craziest part is i like my math class so much more than my english class. i LOVE LOVE LOVE my institue class hahahaha its missionary prep lol i figure they tell us we are all on a mission as members of the church so we should all be preparing for our mission. its a great class that kinda goes back to the fundamentals of the gospel i do love it! my teacher is brother scott. he is an awesome man who is very funny :) i had my visiting teacher come for the first time last thursday and it was great she is a very nice lady i am glad she finally made it to see me. she says that she will take me to relief sosciety and enrechmint nights so i am excited and i hope it follows through! :) o man life is good! :) except that i didnt sleep last night cause my ear hurt so bad and the doctor was stupid and couldnt understand why so he gave me some anit bioitics and nose spray i was like wow thanx. i hate doctors i feel like they are always looking at me like there is nothing wrong with you. and i am like really cause i feel like there is something wrong with me! any ways there ya go mom!