left or right?! hmmm

During the past few weeks i have been able to do much thinking. In the past eight months my life has changed dramaticly I moved away from home lol got married and had to adapt to a difffernt way of life. It deffinatly has not been the easiest thing i have ever done and it is still hard. Like any one else in this world i have my good and my bad days. i wish there was a way i could make life perfect but i dont believe there is. I look at people who seem to have the perfect life who seem to never have to face any trails or temptaion. At first my first thought is " That is so not fair." And on a bad day I look back and i see everything i have been through and I feel sorry for myself. but then as I CHOOSE to look at things differently i see that things are happining for a reason. there are times that i can look into the future and be happy with what i see coming. but i also am afraid. afraid that i have messed up to badly for things to turn out the way i alway planned. they say the first step to repantace and forgivness is forgiving your self. and that is not easy no east at all. I was told once that the choices that we make may not always make sense or even seem like the right decsion but i believe that the lord is not going to let me make a decision that is going to effect me so badly that i do not learn anything form the struggles that come with the decsion. I do not understand the stuff that I have to struggle through and it seems as if it is a never ending fountain of trail after trail. but my mind has been made up that i an do this i just need to keep going one day at a time, cause thats all i can do to make sense of anything that goes on any more! I have always had a hard time letting my fear over take my faith. Fear is my biggest temptaiotion. i give in to fear everytime. what will they thing? how will they react? will they still love me? who is looking at me? they are all types of fear that is very difficult for me to control and then fear leads my decsions. i know i have talked about this before. How do we control the fear from over taking our faith. THAT I DO NOT KNOW! and it is something that i believe that you must figure out for your self only you can decide how to control your feel and to build your faith so that it is stronger than your fear. but we are lucky enough to have ways to help us reach that personal decsion. listin to the advice of others pray for guidence and search the scriptures. there are ways to find the faith in every day. just look for it. lol maybe one day ONE DAY i will be able to take my own advice ha ha maybe . . . . . . . .

I AM DIFFERENT DEAL WITH IT.

I AM DIFFERENT deal with it :0.



I had a wonderful day at work today. it was so slow i wanted to cry lol. but it was better then it has been for a long time. my boss lady is sick poor lady she works her self sick. i wish i could like do it for her BUT i am to stupid. but i was happy today. lol i hope that i am making a difference in some ones life lately i work with these young girls and ya know i hope i am an example to them. cause in acctuality they are the examples to me. ya know have a wonderful day yo!

bad bad day

i TRY really hard to not let things bug me. but today was ruff. people at work were really mean to there stressed out waitress.(me) you know some things that you say really hurt a person. i am doing better with my self confidence and i am doing good and then AND THEN some one i trust SHUT ME DOWN and every single bit of self respect i had is completly CRUSHED! and i am working on my self confidence and ya know its hard stuff. but i am ok i am ok i am ok/ thanx for the support.

the ramblings

So pretty much i couldnt sleep last night so i started up this blog again i dunno really what i am doing and i really dont care if any one reads it but i am going to use it any ways :) so its saturday and me and my wonderful husband are sitting in our basement watching tv trying to cool off its so hot outside. we bumbed around today and later we are going to go mini golfing with our friends. its good to get out and go be with each other. we have been married for over three months now and its crazy awesome. i feel so old sometimes i mean i am married in a house with a husband lol and a dog. i grew up so fast you know it. my goodness. i took this english class my freshman year of college and the teach would always tell us to never think to much about what we were righting just to right so thats what i am going to do so if this doesnt make sense its cause i am just wrighting it comes to my head and i am letting it flow right out my finger tips its funnier this time.

so the day i got married it was a rainey day and the funniest thing happenend edwin forgot his tux pants lol in mount and we were in payson. so he barrowed his brother in law ricks and rick went to wal mart and got a pair it was so funny and then he blamed me lol silly buy ( he was teasing) he teases me alot a guess its carma for all the teasing i did in my younger years i married a big tease. thats ok i still love him. although there are those times that i cant tell if he is seriouse of kidding. but i dont care still love the boy.

so the wierdest thing lol i am always thinking about what i want to name my kids lol even though i can wait awhile for them i just wonder about it. i never come up with any names though. but any ways.

this is the way most of my blogs will be lots of rambling and once in a while something deep and intiguing might appear. but probably not to often! all right i am out!

who i am now

Ok so here it is... my life givin to you and 2:13 in the morning on my couch watching spongebob

My name is Kylee Ann Christensen it used to be Franson until i met a boy... a boy named Edwin. some how this boy swept me off my feet it took us the best summer of my life to fall in love the boy just wouldnt get out of my head. he would drive after a long day of work to come see me and then still have to get up early the next morning and then by the end of that year we were engaged. it was so perfect this boy knew some how exactly the way i always dreamed of it. i never told him and he just knew. And so on April 11 2009 we were married. We were not married in the temple like i had always planned but we are working torwards that goal we arnt perfect but we are living our life the best way that we know how. we have a little house in Mnt. Pleasant and we couldnt be happier kids arnt in the plans for a few more years. but we have a dog that we named bell and she is adorable ;) we are in love and we are happy.

I am working in a little resturant in Manti. I love being a waitress. its not always the funnest job and i dont want to do it for the rest of my life but for now i enjoy it. my boss is my mom away from my mom. she takes care of me as if i was her own sometimes we even fight like mother and daughter she is awesome!! Work is a big part of my life because it is the only outing i get to be around people i know and so i enjoy it as much as i can.

My family is living in Payson where i grew up. and i do miss it there. but i love my life here. I am the oldest of Five kids and I love it. the stress of being an expamle is not always easy but i love my brothers and sisters. i hope that there lifes find as much happiness that they can. My parents are two very amazing people the married young and had a baby young to. they raised me to the best they could and the did a damn good job if i do say so. i look back and how they raised me and i dont regret any choices they made for me. my grandparents are also a great influnce in my life. there isnt much to say about but they are amazing they always looked after my family i love them so very much.

I am afraid of many things in life. but i am trying to stop letting fear run my life. i am just living it day to day and i have a damn good life. i am not perfect by any means people think i am stuck up but really its intimidation i take a long while to warm up to people and be myself and that does come off snobish but its not like that at all. so get to know somebody long before you judge them cuase you dunno who they are or what they are feeling.

I have good friends they are there for me when i need them even if they dont know it thanx guys

WORLD FIRST

My world keeps spinning around and i cant control it. as i spin i try to grasp on. on to anything that will steady me. but around me things keep changing. a changing world is nothing but unstable an strange. filled iwth lingering doubt and unbeliefe. its hard to understand the unexplainable. to feel safe you hide away in your thoughts and dreams. we wallow in self pitty and regret. never letting go of the promises we never really made. we live our lifes by unspoken rules. and so my world keeps spinning and i am still afraid. afraid of this world that i can not undertand. but i live by its ruls and fears. does fear truly control our actions? are our thoughts and actions constintly guided by nothing else but fear? we fear that which we may never become. we fear teh unknown and the change around us. but most of all we fear our own potential to become something greater then we dare to dream. we fear the uncoditional love inside of us all. we fear our weakness and letting it show. so we cover our selfs up with our fancy masks for the outside world. so my world keeps spinning. so fast i can not jump off! but more and more people keep jumping on. they dont understand the consequences. the consequences of an unforgiving wolrd. controled by fear and hid behind a mask

The Fear

i am not afaid of falling. its standing back up that scares me. the world is big and full of uncertantys. Fear controls my decisons. my heart beats to the rythem of fear. it guides my thoughts and controls my action. my mind is strangled by the darkness of fear. i run from what is inside of me. i hide behind smile and laughter. i use anger to hide my pain. there can not be fear and faith. but i can not let go of fear to let faith conquer so the fear is my fault. a solution is right in front of me ut i can not make it work. i consumes me. at times fear turns into sorrow an dthen i am afraid.....and fear conquers yet again. when fear is presant nothing else can exsist. not thought not reason. nothing but fear. i consumes my world. i can not escape this world of fear. i know thw way but i can not grasp hold. so i just keep living in FEAR! fear can not control me. but it does and i cant control it. faith can not exsist where fear resides. si i become weak... all because of fear. the fear is stronger then my faith. and soon the fiath is lost. it to becomes consumed by the fear. fear is a mountain that i can not climb. i tried but i kept stumbling. so now i sit at the bottem. defeated, by fear. i dont want it to win, but i am so tired of fighting. my strength is gone. i surrenered to fear. i hand my heart over and it become dark and feelingless. i loose sight of the light and stop running. i just decide to STOP. because then i am safe. but this is a strange safe. its a lonely safe. i become safe from everything. everything but fear. because you can not run away from fear.it follows you it lives in your heart. it is constantly haunting my mind. i cant explain the darkness that consumes me.i have given in to fear. AND IT CONTROLS ME! and i let it.now it holds me in its grasps and will not let me go. and i cant BREAK FREE!!!